It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
You Might Also Like
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!