No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.