My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.