You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Good point.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭