WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Looking at you, Jesus.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”