Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
You Might Also Like
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Fidel Castro was alive?
pat pat
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.