Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Happy thanksgiving
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake