The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.