nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
God has left this place
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Natural selection at its finest