7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.