That earthquake could have been an email.
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
The Others (2001)
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.