If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.