I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.