Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Banking tips
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow