Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I forgot how to panic. Help
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.