Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
What number SPF blocks people?