I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
You Might Also Like
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.