I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.