Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here