Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.