I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.