Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
when you are just born a rebel
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.