DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
spicy snake
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.