[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!