You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
They grow up so quick