Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
put ‘er there pardner!
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell