Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside