[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
You Might Also Like
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
all bases covered
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
won’t smith
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I think they could have phrased this better
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.