[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
You Might Also Like
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*