Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
only 11 steps left
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
just make the entire table out of coaster
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.