When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Your honor these allegations are
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*