*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
And then there were 4
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.