50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
You Might Also Like
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?