me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance