Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.