growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Wednesday
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m calling the cops.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*