People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Basically.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.