Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“No way.” -Jose
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.