Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens