My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me trying to walk in a dream
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!