Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit