I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The Weeknd is back
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore