Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
thanks auntie mary
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing