It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
getting old is fun
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward