My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Not recommended for beginners.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle