Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills