I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.