Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
the last thing a carrot sees
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.