[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Trying
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
How to woo a woman
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.