the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Have a lovely day 😊
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.